I am a 23-year-old woman who has recently finished studying for a masters and started working full-time on a graduate scheme. Although I really enjoy my work and my colleagues are lovely, I can’t help but think about never having enough time to do truly what I want to do.
After the eight hours I spend at work, an hour and a half of commuting each day, an hour for cooking, another hour for personal hygiene and then eight hours for sleep, I don’t feel I have any time for anything fulfilling.
I also feel quite lonely with regard to my friendships, since my best friends are either strewn across the UK or have returned to their countries of origin.
I’ve come back to my home city and feel as if I am starting from the beginning again, as well as not knowing how to cope emotionally with working full time or how to be sociable without the context of university.
It’s very early days and it’s another chapter, not a beginning as such. Just as leaving home and going to university would have taken a lot of adapting, so does this. Each stage in life has new challenges. The world of further education, as you’ve seen, has a relatively stricter structure and people are of a similar age. There’s a lot of ‘inbuilt’ common ground. Work is different, although there will probably be similarly aged people on your graduate scheme.
Psychotherapist Chris Mills thought there were plenty of positives in your letter. “At 23 you’ve got such a strong base to start from, you’re already noticing what you want, what you don’t want. You’ve got friends, even if they are spread out, a partner, you’ve done well at uni.” And you’re clearly close to your family. All excellent springboards.
“It’s clear you’re not drowning” said Mills, “but more that maybe you feel what you’re going through is unique to you and that makes you feel a bit lonely. But maybe you don’t realise how many other people feel similar. I’ve heard so many people say ‘OMG work’s a bit of a shock’.”
I asked Mills why work was such a shock after uni (I didn’t go to university so have no point of reference) and he said “you’ve got no more places to hide, nowhere to pretend you’re not a fully responsible adult, earning your keep.”
You also need to redefine yourself when you go out into the world of work. Sometimes people who did very well at school struggle at uni, sometimes people who really enjoyed uni then find work more of a curve ball. You’ve also moved back to your home city – but as a different person.
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It’s early days yet. A lot of things will settle down and you will find your way. Mills said to think of this stage of life “as an apprenticeship and since when were apprenticeships 100% fun? They’re about the journey, figuring out where you’re going. You sound very self aware.”
That self awareness, however, can sometimes work against a person because instead of just giving in to it you can overthink things: is this right? Is it just me?. This is OK if that’s who you are, there’s no point fighting the journey AND the overthinking. But go with it. You will find some wriggle room; maybe one day you don’t spend an hour on personal hygiene and five minutes will do so you can spend more time doing other things. You might grab a sandwich for dinner or sleep a little less (although sleep is important), or have people round so you combine entertaining with eating. You will find a tempo that works for you. Because, also, starting a new job is exhausting so you probably don’t have the energy right now. You may also start socialising with colleagues so that work doesn’t seem quite so delineated. I really think it’s going to be OK.
