My partner has a child from a previous relationship who was two when we met a few years ago. For the first half of our relationship we discussed having future children together. Then one day he told me he no longer wanted more kids and that his child is his sole focus. The future was gone in one second.
We have an amazing relationship, so this is our only issue. His previous relationship has scarred him deeply.
I love him. I love his child. I love our life. But I’ve always wanted to be a mother. I’m 37 now and I’m surrounded by friends who have families. I have had my eggs checked, to buy me more time and settle my mind.
I don’t want to end our relationship for the sake of a fictional child I may never have, and perhaps live a lonely life. But I also wonder if I should go it alone. However, this would be incredibly hard, and I’m not financially secure to support a child by myself.
Whatever path you choose, you need to have a really clear conversation with your partner. He really needs to know how you feel and that your feelings matter as much as his. It’s not an amazing relationship if your needs aren’t acknowledged. If you don’t say anything and continue as you are, I worry that the compromise you’re making may plant a very tenacious seed of resentment. To lessen the consequences of any decision you make you need to be really heard, because as you say, there are no guarantees whatever you do.
I went to UKCP-registered psychotherapist Nicola McCarry who wondered first if you had anyone to talk to about this? “It’s no surprise that you feel devastated that your dream is suddenly taken off the table by the person you love. You’re trying to weigh up the joy of your current life against the pain of not having a future that includes children of your own, and that’s an impossible equation to balance,” she says.
McCarry felt you’d had to “slot into” your partner’s life. “It sounds like there could be a power imbalance in your relationship that may have gone unnoticed, or at least unaddressed, until now. It sounds like you have cherished his child and embraced his existing life, but there hasn’t been enough space for your own needs and dreams. Are you the only one compromising here?”
This is a really important question. It’s a good exercise to think ahead to five, 10 years’ time and wonder how you’ll feel if nothing has changed and then what changes you could practically make to give you what you want.
I don’t think it’s fair your partner uses his past relationship to dictate how things might go now. “It’s important to remember that his fears shouldn’t dictate the entire future of your relationship,” says McCarry. “You’re not his ex, and the story can play out differently. You deserve a partner who is willing to explore your shared dreams, and have some sensitivity to how this change in plan might hurt you deeply and care about this.”
You need to talk. “It’s time to have an honest and open conversation with your partner,” says McCarry. “Not one where you try to convince each other of your positions, but one where you’re both listening in order to understand the feelings and beliefs behind them. If this conversation feels too daunting, it might be helpful to bring in a couples therapist to mediate..”
Finally, whatever you decide, both McCarry and I felt you were very probably “much more important to his little child than you give yourself credit for”. I wouldn’t doubt that.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to [email protected]. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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