The question My wife and I have always had a vibrant sex life, often incorporating fantasies about others into our intimacy. This summer, we decided to open our relationship, using dating apps to meet others for casual encounters, which enhanced our sex life. Her first date was exciting and boosted our connection. I also had a few fun dates and we enjoyed sharing the stories. However, her second date became serious fast.
She is now deeply in love with him and they text or call constantly, even when we went away together to the hotel where we were married. Currently, she’s spending part of our holiday with him, staying at his house, planning to call him daily during our upcoming getaway.
She assures me she still loves me and wants to remain married, comparing it to loving two children equally. But I feel sidelined, like the person who shares the mortgage while she has all the fun with him. She’s happy, but I feel our relationship is suffering. She says my unhappiness at home makes her want to be with him more. I don’t want her to leave him, and I have no intention of leaving her. I believe she’s my forever person. How do I handle this?
Philippa replies: The open relationship you and your wife agreed upon has taken a turn that seems to be destabilising your sense of connection, and it’s understandable that you’re feeling hurt and sidelined.
The decision to open your relationship was part of a shared journey and, initially, it seemed to enhance your bond. However, the challenge now isn’t about the sex or even the jealousy, it’s about the emotional shift. Your wife’s relationship with this other man is no longer about sexual exploration or casual encounters; it’s about love and attachment. That changes the dynamic and your feelings of being displaced are real and valid.
It’s important to recognise that you’re grieving a kind of loss, the loss of the version of your relationship where you were the central focus of her emotional world. Did you go into this open arrangement with clear boundaries and expectations? It sounds like the situation has now evolved beyond what you might have imagined. Your wife may be able to love two people at once but that doesn’t mean the experience of her shifting her emotional energy elsewhere doesn’t affect you. This is a rupture and it’s bringing up feelings of abandonment and displacement that need to be addressed, not minimised.
While your wife assures you of her continued love for you, the reality is that her actions are telling you something different. When she’s prioritising this new relationship during your time together it feels as if your connection is being diminished. It’s natural to feel that your relationship is suffering. The way you’ve described your emotions, feeling like the person who shares the mortgage, but not the passion, captures the emotional neglect you’re experiencing, even if it’s not intended.
The excitement of a new relationship must be intoxicating for your wife, but it’s creating an emotional distance between you. It’s not enough for her to reassure you she loves you; her actions need to reflect that love in a way that feels respectful of your bond. Right now, it seems as if your needs and emotions are being sidelined, and that’s not sustainable for your marriage.
This situation calls for a deeper conversation, one where you and your wife can acknowledge the imbalance and really understand how this is affecting you. It’s important that you express, without defensiveness, how this makes you feel, not just about her time with him, but about the broader implications for your relationship. You need her to hear that while you aren’t asking her to leave him, you do need her to recognise that your emotional needs must be considered, too. The version of non-monogamy you signed up for was meant to enhance your connection, not leave you feeling lonely or replaced.
It’s possible that the excitement of her new relationship may eventually settle down, but waiting it out without addressing the underlying emotional neglect isn’t a long-term solution. What’s more important is creating space where both of you can reflect on how to realign and reconnect. This might mean setting new boundaries that honour the love and commitment you share, while still allowing her to explore this other relationship. But it also means she needs to be present with you, to invest in your marriage in ways that feel meaningful, and to recognise that love isn’t just about saying the right things, it’s about showing up and prioritising your bond when it matters most.
It’s not about eliminating the crush she has on him, but about recalibrating so that you don’t feel like you’re losing the love you’ve worked so hard to nurture. These are difficult conversations, but having them with honesty, vulnerability, and respect will be part of how you find a path forward that works for both of you. Perhaps show her this letter and my reply to start you off?
Every week Philippa Perry addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Philippa, please send your problem to [email protected]. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions
