One of Gregg Wallace’s wives used to be charged with compiling his daily to-do list. As the MasterChef host once explained, in words he somehow said out loud: “It starts off every morning with ‘yoghurt’, then ‘leg band’, then it’ll be ‘teeth’, then it’ll say ‘tablets’ because I’ve got to take my cholesterol tablets and vitamin C, then ‘check BBC News’. Those are all the things I must do before I leave the flat. Then it’ll say ‘Twitter’ because I want to tweet twice a day, then it’ll say ‘H’ for Heidi because of all the things I need to discuss with her.”
As you can see, at no stage does this list say “remove all clothes and walk around workplace with sock over penis” – so it’s a mystery why, in a period possibly contemporaneous with this list running his life, Gregg is alleged to have done that. And indeed, alleged to have joshed in a whole host of other inappropriate ways, over a period of 17 years, presumably under the aegis of other lists. Certainly while married to other wives. I’m sure Gregg would say that the idea that any list could schedule and micromanage his critically acclaimed banter would be absolutely ludicrous – and yet, I’m looking at the words “check BBC News” and thinking that perhaps he would not be the best arbiter of what is ludicrous.
Nor is he allegedly the best arbiter of what constitutes suitable workplace conduct according to – oh dear – BBC News. Evidence reportedly provided by 13 people and counting, including the broadcaster Kirsty Wark, casts Gregg as a serial indulger in “sexualised” jokes and inappropriate behaviour. His lawyers deny he engaged in any sexual harassment. MasterChef is made by the production company Banijay UK, which is conducting an immediate review of the allegations, and has announced that Gregg will be “stepping away” from the show while it investigates. “Stepping away” is rather a twee way of putting it. Then again, I always feel the words “historical allegations” also create a misleadingly quaint impression. Reading them, it’s hard not to think of Gregg allegedly behaving inappropriately at work while wearing a doublet and hose. Or, on this evidence, while not wearing them. Ye olde penis socke, perhaps.
Before we go on, I should say that no one has alleged Gregg is some serious sex criminal – certainly not his lawyers. Indeed, there are already defenders out there posting along the lines of: “Oh my God the BBC is so woke for suspending him, I actually love being spoken to like this.” Remarkably, they will also be the same people who frequently rage that the BBC is absolutely riddled with sex cases. Go figure. Actually, don’t bother.
Meanwhile, Gregg has posted yet another Instagram video inspired by the allegations – videos that primarily have me asking: who on earth is Gregg Wallace’s agent? What are you doing, mate? Maybe cut his internet? Tether him to his cross trainer?
Because it is the videos that reveal far more than Gregg presumably intends about the whole business. Consider one from October, made after this story first started breaking, in which he hotly denies saying anything “sexual” on the basis that: “I have ALWAYS been true to my wife Anna, and have NEVER flirted or hit on anybody in the 12 years that I met her and fell in love with her”. (Anna is wife number four, following Gregg’s sundering with Heidi.)
And there it is. You will note that Gregg seems to see all women as divided into two categories: the ones he would consider flirting with and hitting on (a category containing only his wife), and then all other ones, who just have to soak up the banter like they’re a really absorbent kitchen towel. I can’t help feeling that Gregg’s mistake is not to have realised that there is actually a third category of women, which is by far and away the biggest category. In fact, it genuinely contains multitudes, and comprises the ones who honestly don’t want to hear any of this boringly gross stuff, who make that abundantly clear by not “getting into the spirit” of it, and whose cues deserve to be read and respected rather than repeatedly, endlessly ignored because you want to tell them you aren’t wearing any pants.
Amazing, really, that all Gregg seems to care about is the idea that people would think he had in some way disrespected his wife. The idea that there are multiple junior women who found his behaviour unpleasant to the point of complaint does not warrant acknowledgment in any of his video output thus far – not even a “sorry if I made anyone feel uncomfortable”. Whatever he’s serving, it certainly isn’t humble pie.
As I say, perhaps the agent should by now have delivered a primer? But if it falls to me to break it down for you, Gregg: this is literally nothing to do with your wife. Nothing. I’m sure she’s great and that’s great. This is about how you made women other than your wife feel. Mad that such creatures exist – and yet, they do, Some of them are probably even other people’s wives. One of them seems to be Rod Stewart’s wife. The point is: it is possible to repeatedly, serially be a dick to people you work with, and for it to be nothing at all to do with cheating. Other transgressions are very much available.
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